I don't know about you...but I'm feeling 32

My nostalgic walk down memory lane at what Taylor Swift's music means on a personal level, post-Era's tour.

I, like thousands of others, am reeling from Taylor Swift’s Eras tour. I find myself going between bursts of euphoria, a deep sense of sorrow and a state of deep reflection.

The deep sense of reflection is the most jarring. As Taylor Swift’s music defined key moments of my twenties (I’m a few days shy of 32), the Eras tour was like going down memory lane (I even cried when she sang a bit of Come Back, Be Here in the June concert).

The Eras concert is also the third and fourth (June and August) Taylor Swift concert I’ve been to. The first was for Red in the O2 and the second was for 1989 in Hyde Park. I was worried about the grandness of it all - but it still captured the essence of her concerts that came before which was a huge relief.

Taylor’s music and concerts have always been a safe haven for a multitude of reasons, and I find myself reflecting on my journey with her - both in a personal sense and in the grander scheme of culture and society.

The soundtrack to my heartaches, breakups and situationships

This probably won’t be a surprise to anyone, Taylor Swift fan or not. A lot of her music is about love. Before love, during love, the shitshow end and then everything after that.

I first begrudgingly embraced her music when I had my first breakup around the time I was 19/20 years old. I naively believed that this was my first love. It had the whole back-and-forth thing going on. It was all "White Horse," "The Story of Us," "The Way I Loved You," and "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together."

Little did I know that this was preparing me for what was actually my first love. One of those where he walked into the room and I died a new death. A mixture of “Sparks Fly,” “Enchanted” and “Blank Space”.

For that summer I had Taylor Swift narrating my experience of falling in love and knowing that it was just a fleeting summer romance. “Wildest Dream” hit deep (I’m still bitter that “August” had not yet been released because it would have been perfect.)

And then he flew away. Red came into play in a big way. “Red.” “Come Back Be Here.” “Holy Ground.”

But then after finding out he had a secret girlfriend it hit even harder. “All Too Well.” “Girl At Home.” “I Knew You Were Trouble.”

I would listen to her on the bus coming home from work and just cry. During heated Facebook messages with him, I would quote her lyrics. When I found out All Too Well was about a three-month relationship, I felt validated for my summer romance.

Taylor Swift not only narrated my most meaningful romances, but she allowed me to express things my cold British heart rarely allows.

My emotions were real, valid and I wasn’t alone.

Her music continued to be the soundtrack to almost every romantic situation (real or imaginary).

An escape from hipster culture in the 2010s

If you weren’t there for the super skinny, American Apparel, indie-loving, mustache-wearing, sockless age of the early 2010s - you had a fucking lucky escape.

2010 was the year I went to university. To Goldsmiths. For those that don’t know, it’s mainly an arts university and it’s known for being ‘edgy’ (whatever the fuck that means.) It was the epicentre of hipster culture (I say hipster but it’s worth noting it also includes what is now called indie sleaze and twee.)

And there I was.

A UK size 12 aka fat to almost everyone around me. This was a sin at the time and meant I was shunned by some. Others who deigned to speak to me - well the looks on their face, when I wore shorts, are seared into my memory. And being this size meant I couldn’t be ‘cool’. Or their version of cool.

My other sin was that I was mainstream. I listened to music of the pop persuasion as opposed to The Smiths (one night I even argued with my flatmate about my frustration at not hearing more Sean Paul because I wanted to dance, but she was angry because music like that lacked deep lyrics and deep lyrics are the only for music to be legitimate).

But I was 18, entering the trenches that would be young adulthood. Self-conscious. Intense. And this was magnified by hipster culture.

Clearly I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. In “22” Taylor sings ‘make fun of hipsters’. She understood.

Feeling her music on a spiritual level I dragged my best friend for what would be our first concert. She wasn’t a fan but needless to say, she was a convery.

Pre-concert we baked a cake, drank a bottle of champagne and proceeded to sing way too loudly. It arguably was the best night of our lives.

The following year we went 1989 where it was no different. We sang our hearts out and danced like nobody was watching.

Whilst I could never relate to the whole high school element of Taylor’s songs, mainly because I’m British and went to an all-girls school, I could relate to the feeling of being not cool enough.

The cringey fun of her concerts was a well-needed safe space from the world I existed in which consisted of cool kids.

Finding community*

*real community, not to be confused with the buzzword that marketers have shoved down our throats in an attempt to sell us more.

Every Saturday I go to my favourite stall in Portobello. I often see the same people and chat with a few. It’s my happy place.

I chatted with the stall owner about how my second Eras concert was compared to the first one (the second one was better but only because it was darker so it was more atmospheric).

This girl overhears and we get talking. She too went on the Thursday and was a huge fan. The chat turns into a lively discussion about Taylor’s most profound lyrics, albums (controversial: I don’t like the Lover album) and separating art from the artist.

The third point is important. Whilst Taylor Swift’s songs are important to me, I’m not going to turn a blind eye to her actions. Her private jet, her silence around the genocide, her capitalist-fueled marketing tactics and her questionable relationships with racist people.

We both agreed that it’s difficult to marry all of these things with the music that changed our lives.

This discussion was about Taylor, but also not about Taylor. It’s about navigating the world we live in now. We talked about how we navigated those in our own lives who, like Taylor, didn’t speak up about issues.

These discussions aren’t always easy to have, especially with people you’ve just met. But we did.

This got me thinking about other times I had connected with over Taylor Swift’s music.

Converting my best friend to Taylor during the Red concert has created something that transcends space and time.

During the Hyde Park 1989 show, there was a dad who took his young daughter who looked so out of his depth. This reminded me of when my dad took me to the Spice Girls around her age. So my best friend and I danced and sang with her (much to her dad’s relief because he clearly didn’t know what to do).

The first Eras tour I went with my very chic and cool friend who previously didn’t like TS until recently, but she was immersing herself deep in the lore, in the songs and was a vibe.

The second Eras concert I went with my best friend and with her close friend. We made bracelets, yapped about our favourite songs and had the time of our lives.

There is a lot wrong with Taylor Swift's stans and the fandom in general. The toxicity of it is putrid. Reviewers have to leave their names off of articles because fans go after them. Any criticism of TS is met with a lack of critical thinking on a huge scale.

That said, my personal experience is that her music brings people together in a meaningful way. We can dissect the lyrics, open up about our experiences which connects us to the music and have a wider discussion about societal implications.

I haven’t found this type of connection since my Charmed fandom days.